When Dante was writing The Divine Comedy, he originally included a 10th circle of hell in The Inferno that solely consisted of girls prancing around in shorts that were cut up high enough to let their bums hang out. He ended up deleting this circle out of the original manuscript because he believed it contained punishment that was way too graphic and harsh for anyone to have to endure.
Okay, that’s not true, but the end of days is upon us, and it has arrived in the form of cheeky shorts. Goodbye, world.
Cheeky shorts, as they are called on websites like Nasty Gal and Urban Outfitters, have become increasingly popular over the last couple of years among young girls and women who wish they were young girls again.
Some say that cheeky shorts are the new cleavage, others say they’re the new underboob, but I say they’re the new velour tracksuit; you wear them with pride now, but in the next year or two, you’ll come across old photos of yourself and your pals where your slightly untanned butt is hanging out and you’ll whisper to yourself, Dear God, what was I thinking? And you will begin to question the loyalty of your friends and family for not having warned you sooner.
Celebrities have perpetuated this unsightly trend through donning cheeky shorts themselves. From Rihanna to Kylie Jenner, Ciara to Miley Cyrus, numerous celebs have been photographed wearing these glorified denim diapers. For some reason, girls across America viciously swooped in and grabbed onto this trend like hungry vultures, proudly giving the bottom third of their little tushies a view of the world.
But this is precisely the problem with cheeky shorts. By giving your butt a view of the world, you’re inevitably giving the world a view of your butt, too. While planet Earth is a beautiful place, perverts do exist, and they’re all too willing to take in the sight of your pretty little bum as it jiggles uncontrollably on the high speed ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan on the L train.
If this imagery doesn’t disturb you to the point of putting on a turtleneck sweater and floor length skirt right now, please take a moment to think about the children! Why subject these innocent little souls to such horrific and graphic displays of butt?
Not to mention that these shorts are a blatant insult to the world of fashion because they challenge the time and effort true designers take in creating the perfect cut and style of clothing. Do you really want to be a part of the anti-fashion movement?
The truth is, you’re initially judged by others based on what you’re wearing, and if you’re showing butt, you’re going to be treated like a butt. Have some dignity and toss those denim diapers in the garbage, or at least give them to your 5 year old relative who can wear them as full coverage shorts.
If you don’t believe me, check out what the City Council of Dadeville, Alabama is trying to do with saggy pants, short shorts, and mini skirts. Even this small city’s politics have enough of a sense of style to know that these pieces are a total fashion faux-pas. While I don’t necessarily agree with making them unlawful to wear, I do think that cheeky shorts are unpleasant for public viewing. You should consciously opt to rid your clothing repertoire of anything that lets your butt see the light of day.