Things Brooklyn Does to Your Brain

Kristina Todorovic

November 16, 2017

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, people who move to Brooklyn will experience irreversible transformations to the brain, unofficially called the “Brooklyn Syndrome”.

Things Brooklyn Does to Your Brain
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Those who choose to move to Brooklyn will endure involuntarily changes to their brain function in as little as 3 minutes, or as long as 8 hours after settling in the borough.

To gain a better understanding of this phenomenon, the CDC conducted in-depth testing on the brain of a brand new Brooklynite. The CDC sought to understand the severity and rapidity of changes in the brain after moving to Brooklyn. This subject, called BK-19 for purposes of anonymity, experienced differences in brain function in 2 hours, 1 minute, and 7 seconds after getting the keys to their new apartment in Williamsburg.

While the CDC has not yet released an official report about the effects Brooklyn has on the human brain, the following symptoms can help you identify if you or a loved one is possibly suffering from Brooklyn Syndrome.

1) Changes in olfactory stimuli

Your sense of smell has become so acute that you can now sniff out trans fats, high sodium levels, and preservatives in your food. You can also smell inorganic ingredients in your body lotions, perfumes, and makeup. These contaminated products make you so ill that you cannot come within 10 feet of them without feeling nauseous. However, your sense of smell somehow weakened in terms of yourself; you have defiantly decided not to shave your armpits anymore, and you choose not to apply deodorant because you’ve discovered its unhealthy side effects.

2) Reduced stress levels

You used to work 80+ hours a week in a law firm in midtown, but after moving to Brooklyn, your pace in life has completely changed. You no longer work at the law firm, instead opting to run a small 1930s-inspired vintage boutique out of a sketchy warehouse in Bushwick. Without the chance of a drug test looming over your head, you indulge in frequent “chill sessions” (you know what this means), which further minimizes your already-low level of stress.

3) Impaired vision

When you lived in Manhattan last week, you saw your eye doctor and were told that your vision was a perfect 20/20. No need for eyeglasses, hooray! But this week you live in Brooklyn, and your vision is suddenly in rapid decline. Ever since you spotted that really cool looking girl wearing Warby Parker’s Owen eyeglasses on the corner of Wythe and North 3rd, you decided you just had to have those glasses, and your body followed suit with an appropriate physical reaction. Now you need eyeglasses, hooray!

4) Loss of memory

Craigslist helped you find a tiny bedroom (more like glorified hallway space) right in the middle of a railroad-style apartment off of DeKalb Avenue. It’s not ideal—you live with 2 girls, 7 mice, and 13 cockroaches, all of whom must pass through your private bedroom space to get from one side of the apartment to the other—but at $750 a month, it’s a steal! The fact that your family is pretty wealthy, owns a mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut, and set up a $10,000,000 trust fund in your name is fading away in your memory. Who cares, anyway? You can say you lived in uncharted Brooklyn territory before its inevitable gentrification! That’s something money can’t buy, eh?

5) Decrease in hunger and elevated thirst

Ever since you purchased the NutriBullet, you’ve been living off of juices made of organic greens from your rooftop farm. You haven’t chewed food in the last few weeks, and you find that you prefer it this way. However, because you can’t quite make an appetizing juice out of donuts (or can you?), you find that beer is an appropriate substitute for the “unhealthy” lifestyle your body sometimes craves. Your elevated levels of thirst lead you to become a connoisseur in local beer, and before you know it, you’re a co-owner of a small Brooklyn-based brewery that incorporates the organic vegetables grown on your roof.

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